Tuesday, July 28, 2015

New Zealand Loss and grief awareness week.

This week is New Zealand Loss and grief awareness week. My heart is saddened. A mother lost her twins. This is a you-tube made by TVNZ, a group of mothers and myself were interviewed.



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Sunday, July 26, 2015

The bereaved parents club.

a cup cake holder with no cakes.

Today, a young mother joined our club.


In the synopsis of my book, Diary of a Bereaved Mother. I wrote "For we belong to the club of bereaved parents. Membership is not by choice but by force." Nothing can change the fact that our deceased child is a part of the family forever, and the void in the family constellation created by the child's death also remains forever.

While we celebrate our living children's birthdays with the usual shebang of activities, how do bereaved parents celebrate our departed children's birthdays? For me, I celebrate Andrew's birthdays and anniversary in my heart. This is because my husband has other ideas. However, on the eve of these two days, I mention it during dinner. This is more to tell the family that tomorrow, I might feel moody.

When I was a newbie at a S.A.N.D.S support group, the leader was a bereaved mum of 17 years. She celebrates her late son's birthday the same way as she would anyone's birthday in her family. She engaged her living children to help bake the cake and sing happy birthday.

There are special things like holding memorials, releasing balloons, planting flowers,
giving money to her church and charity in his memory. It could be a charity that helps children or babies it seems fitting. I was involved with a lot of charities including one involved spearheading a drive to raise funds to give life to a pair of Siamese twins. My motivation was I couldn't do anything for Andrew, here was an opportunity to help another mum.

Of late cup cakes have become popular. What if you are a teacher, and your student brought a cup cake to you telling you that it is his late sibling's birthday cake? Or a friend who gets such a cake, how would you react? I would like to hear from you.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

CD Siblings

Dear Lenny,

I have been on CD family for a long time, so far, I have observed only 2 repeats in the families.

It could be it will never repeat in most cases, including me.

Or if the CD baby was the first, parents are too scared to try again.

You asked what practical advice, talking to the doctors, now I think nowadays, they will refer you to a genetist, and do testing.

Your daughter and her husband need a lot of counselling. She is lucky that she has you.


My CD baby lived only 55 days, a worst case scenario. I published my book with the aim to helping newly bereaved mums and their family. In this chapter, I wrote my emotions when I became pregnant unexpectedly.

God bless,

Ann, Mum of Andrew who would be 22 years old.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Is there light at the end of your tunnel?

How often when you are grieving, there is no end of the tunnel?

My mother used to say this saying," Can't see the daylight coming!"

I remember her telling us during the world war 2 where she was a survivor, every dawn was  "Can't see the daylight coming!"
Then during the Communist insurgence, Dad as a senior civil servant was made a volunteer. He learn to shoot a rifles. Fear was real, Mother again used the phrase, Can't see the daylight coming!"

When I was grieving, and couldn't sleep, I remembered Mother's Can't see the daylight coming!"

Writing and grief.

For me, writing was my way of coping with my grief.

 I started writing the next evening after I was told Andrew was dying.

 It was my way of pouring out my emotions,

It was my way of sharing my news and sorrow with family and friends.

How do you grief?

( I didn't sleep that Saturday night, I wrote 13 pages. 25 years ago, we wrote on paper. Part of the reason I wrote was my surviving children were 4 and 1/2 and 2. I wanted them to know what had happened. I had Olwyn Dickson to mentor me.)

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Wellington Bee hive and my books

The is the Icon of New Zealand, The Beehive , the parliament of New Zealand. All five of my books are circulated in the National Library of New Zealand.

Alexander Turnbull Library - National Library of New Zealand
Alexander Turnbull Library - National Library of New Zealand
Wellington, New Zealand

304 miles
Library info Add to favorites
National Library of New Zealand
National Library of New Zealand - Wellington Service Centre
Wellington, 6011 New Zealand

Sunday, July 12, 2015

One child's death to be lesson for future children.


Lengthy account. Leroy dies and someone needs to be accountable so that his death is not in vain. His story resonant our little Andrew's Story.  Though I must reiterate Andrew's NICU care was very good.

Pain of a broken heart.

One day, a young widower told me that there was no pain like losing his wife. I had moved on and didn't want to argue with him.

Losing a child changes us


I faced the ghost of my past today. It wasn't quite as emotional as I expected when I saw Dr Andrew Chong today. He was my doctor for ten years and during a time when I was going through a most difficult time of my life.

He had forgotten me (it's been 25 years.)

God is gracious, and it was a very good meeting. A lot of water had flowed under the bridge. I told him, I had moved on, and it was through my experience that I wrote that first book, and proceed to writing other books.

I told him I wrote about him in the book, but reassured I had modified his name. He is an old man, and I do not want to hurt him. I couldn't really blame him because what Andrew had, nobody could put right.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Dr Andrew Chong

It wasn't quite as emotional as I expected when I saw Dr Andrew Chong today. He was my doctor for ten years and during a time when I was going through a most difficult time of my life.

God is gracious, and it was a very good meeting. A lot of water had flowed under the bridge. I told him, I had moved on, and it was through my experience that I wrote that first book, and proceed to writing other books.

I wish I had time to tell him that Deborah is in Shenzhen as a translator, and Gabrielle, a lawyer will be going to Solomons Island for her VSA.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

A hole that can never be filled.

By and By, it gets better, Though it takes a looong time. I didn't not get completely better until I finished writing my book. That day on Andrew's 21st, I made a symbolic close of books. I told Andrew, I am not going to cry for myself anymore. I will cry for other mothers.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

To release or not to release? That's the $64m question.

There two two balloons up on the ceiling.

I did this post in 2012. I had wanted to do this post two yeas ago, I was privileged to be invited to stay in a private island at a private waterway. What I found that was not so private was the invarsion of a released balloon. I was frolicking with my son and nephews when I saw a shimmering coloured object in the shape of a fish. I quickly grabbed a net to try to catch what I thought was a fish.

In stead, to my disappointment, and anger, it was the remains of a non biodegradible balloon. Had this balloon ended in a whale, you can imagine what will happen to the whale. The balloon also have strings that can tangle the beaks of birds, or turtles.

These days, there are biodegradible balloons for people to release, but they are expensive. Unless you are passionate about the environment, it is hard to persuade people to buy these balloons.

I was at the Auckland International airport, waiting for my husband to come back. I was watching a woman with a toddler who was holding one of these balloons. Before you can say boo, the child had accidentally let go, and the balloon floated to the celing. It was hullabaloo, as the child wanted another, and the mum wasn't getting another , as these balloons are not cheap.

I looked up the ceiling, there was another one. Fortunately, in this case, the balloon was released indoors. But how many balloons escape when there is a party outdoors. I was at an outdoor function, people cheered when a balloon floated away. I was sad.

Today, in a face book group of grieving mothers, there was a discussion of releasing balloons. They also talk about the hot air balloons. I guess in most cases, people are not aware of the repercussions on birds and sea animals.

What can you do other than releasing balloons, especially mass release, why not save the money and plant a tree instead. Or you can donate books to the library. And if you have to release the balloons, pay a bit more for bio-degradable ones.

Sorry if you think I am a kill joy. I happen to be a silent partner of Green Peace.


Grief is like a cloud.


New Zealand Loss & Grief Awareness Week's photo.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

My two bands.

I wear 2 bands together.
Wearing two bands attracted people's attention,
Some ask me what I am wearing them for.

Wearing the bands gives them a chance to ask.

Someone asked me how many children I have.
I told him about Andrew.
I said I have 4 children.
My third is dead.

Someone has been reading my writing.
She was very curious about the Bereaved Mother part.
I am glad she asked.
I told her I wrote to help newly bereaved mother.

A bereaved mother donated her child's organs.
She wrote a little comment on someone's blog.
She commented about "Think of the Donor parents."
Some one had the audacity to be very rude to her.

Some people say I dwell too much on the past.
It was time to move on.
Until the day she experienced bereavement herself,
She will never know how it is like to have your child pluck from your blossoms.

Friday, July 3, 2015


Twenty five years ago, we were told our baby son was very sick. He would die, and if he survived, he would be very severely handicapped. He survived 55 days, it was just long enough for us to give him our love and not to resent having to care for such a special needs child.

Today, Susan Meads, is a bereaved mum like me, told me about this cause. Her Jackie had a lot of special needs. They have to think ahead of Jackie's need when she, and her husband is gone. Something, which was a relief for us that we didn't have to worry.

Do go on this link. https://givealittle.co.nz/cause/helpjackie

Main image


Help Jackie secure her future with a start to a home.we would like this cause to buy her a home

Jacke was born with a rare liver disorder 03/03-04 while waiting for transplant she suffered a massive brain heamrage which left her blind in 1 eye and the mental age if a 6 yr old for the rest of her life she was transplanted in 2005 with a hep B liver ALL DUE TO MEDICAL ERROR .We just want a future for her when we are no longer here that she will never be homeless her beautiful sisters will care for her in the event that we are not here so please help Jackie have a life this money would go towards buying jackie a home the donations will go into her trust fund which we established 2 yrs ago for her when i had a pancreas cancer scare

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Alphabe-Thursday letter G for graveyard

a very old graveyard in Johnsonville, Wellington.

Graveyards are not a taboo for me, 25 years ago, I buried my baby.


Nelson teen in a coma responds after cannabis oil treatment



Alex Renton has been in an induced coma in Wellington Hospital for two months. Photo / Facebook

Alex Renton's mother is "extremely" hopeful cannabis oil treatment will bring her son back to consciousness.
The Nelson teenager, who has been in an induced coma after suffering a seizure nearly two months ago, received a second cannabis oil treatment at Wellington Hospital last night.
Rose Renton told Newstalk ZB this morning that Alex's sedation had been halved and he was now opening his eyes and moving for the first time in weeks.
"He's close to the surface but certainly not conscious and awake," she said.
"Hopefully [he is] moving towards waking up."
Ms Renton said the treatment could take anywhere between two and 10 days to take effect.
The cannabis oil worked by "unlocking" the brain's neurons to allow epilepsy drugs to take effect.
"It oils the neurons in the brain, when you're in seizures and they're locked off the anti-epileptic drugs can't get underneath to release them to enable them to work and stop the seizing."
When asked, Ms Renton said she was "extremely" hopeful the oil would achieve this.

If it is your last resort, would you resort to this?

if I were the mum, I would try anything that will 

help my child. I lost my baby and just sat 

blankly and helplessly because I couldn't do