Friday, October 12, 2012

Bereaved mums mutually helping each other.

When I wrote my book, and joined the Sands, I had the motivation of using my own heart wrenching experience as an older Sands mum to help newbie Sands mums. Besides, it was a therapeutic journey for myself.

I used Facebook to communicate and help other mums who didn't have the eloquence to write what they want to write.  Little did I know, today, during the time of Baby Loss Awareness Week, and the period when Andrew was dying in the hospital, I would be comforted by a newbie bereaved mum.

I had posted here excerpts of my book that while I sat in the hospital for 55 days, all I did was sit and look at Andrew, and help hold the nasal feeder while the nurse poured the milk into the syringe. 

I had been questioning myself what was I doing just sitting there. I did not bath him, I did not change him. I was just there, sitting there being a redundant piece of furniture. 

Then one day, I was bullied into, " What are you doing here? You give your baby a bath." I can still remember her face, the relief nurse. " I will help you." But when I bath Andrew, she wasn't there to help. 

Catastrophe  happened, Andrew died for half a day, and then he rose again. This was the worst that can happen to anyone. I had murdered him, perhaps I dunked him in the bath and tried to drown him.

Since then, I told myself, it was better being a redundant piece of furniture than being a murderer.

After Andrew died, I did not dress him or bath him. It was usually the last thing a mum could do for her dead child.  I left it on the pretext that he was going for his autopsy. I didn't even buy him his burial clothes. 

The doctor told us the hospital would give him a white gown, and treat him with respect. I asked Olwyn to ask Daphne to let him have the lemon woollen knitted jacket that the other terminal baby L had pass me down.

I am on Facebook everyday, and on one of those quotes  I just read was as we move on, we leave behind things that don't matter to us, and pick up new things that make us happy. I have picked up Sands Manukau. I have not met Sarah, but she is like an old friend.

Sarah does incredible things. She goes to meet newly bereaved parents and helps prepare their angels. Had Sarah been around 23 years ago, and had Andrew not have an autopsy, Sarah would be there to help me do what I couldn't do.

I took the liberty of posting this Facebook thread. Thank you Sarah.

Thank you also for Rangimarie. You wrote the words I had in my heart and  always wanted to write but never did.

Hi Sarah & Lisa..

I just wanna thankyous for helping me try & move on to what happend to my 

babygirl! Thank's heaps for giving her her first & last bath.. & for putting her pretty 

clothes on for me! I wish i couldve bathed and dressed my beautiful baby but i felt 

so lost & empty.. I was happy yous gave me and my partner memorys to remember 

our daughter by, i'll never forget the time she crossed he

r little fingers after she got 

changed!! Thankyous so much for everything, and for being there for us, and taking 

us step by step with whats gonna happen, you made it sound so understanding.. 

You & the bereavement team; i can't or don't know how to repay you's! I cried 

when i saw yr guys page.. Simply because yous have filled my daughters life with 

memorys for me and her dad.. xxxx

♥ i'll never forget you guys!! Always in my heart..

Like · 
  • 4 people like this.

  •  thank you so much for sharing this. And 

    there is no need for thanks - at all. Those 

    crossed fingers were so special smile It really 

    was an honour meeting you all. Yes, we 

    could see just how lost and empty you 

    were feeling - will.never forget that. We 

    are just so glad you called us in to help 

    you create these memories. I just realised 

    now I didn't send those photos. I am so, so 

    sorry Rangimarie - I will get them on the 

    courier to you tomorrow. Thanks again for 

    commenting here - and do keep in touch. 

    xxxxx.See More

  • Thankyou that'll be cool!
  • Ann Chin "I wish i couldve bathed and 

    dressed my beautiful baby but i felt so lost 

    & empty.." 

    Dear Rangimarie, it is natural 

    to feel this way. I was just like you. So 

    glad for women in Manukau Sands.
    49 minutes ago · Like · 1

    Saturday, October 13 at 7:15pm in 

    UTC+13 at Manukau Memorial 


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