Wednesday, October 17, 2012


Kalanchoë thyrsifolia / Crassulaceae  flat red mother plant dies after flowering.

This is how a bereaved person feels like sometimes. Don't hasten her demise by saying words that hurt rather than heal.

Not just for bereaved parents , but for all bereaved. Please don't tell us to move on. It's me who have to live day by day without the person I lost. Please I rather you say nothing than say words that upset me. Please just sit, hold my hand.
Just these 2 days, I heard people say to me and another bereaved person, Move on. Don't rush us, You have not experienced my bereavement. You will never know.
~Author unknown

I won't say, "I know how you feel" - because I don't.
I've lost parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends,
but I've never lost a child.
So how can I say I know how you feel?

I won't say, "You'll get over it" - because you won't.
Life will have to go on.
The washing, cooking, cleaning, the common routine.
These chores will take your mind off your loved one,
but the hurt will still be there.

I won't say, "Your other children will be a comfort to you" - because they may not be.
Many mothers I've talked to say that after they have lost a child,
they easily lose their temper with their remaining children.
Some even feel resentful that they're alive and healthy
when the other child is not.

I won't say, "Never mind, you're young enough to have another baby" - because that won't help.
A new baby cannot replace the one that you've lost.
A new baby will fill your hours, keep you busy,
give you sleepless nights.
But it will not replace the one you've lost.

You may hear all these platitudes from your friends and relatives.
They think they are helping.
They don't know what else to say.
You will find out who your true friends are at this time.
Many will avoid you because they can't face you.
Others will talk about the weather,
the holidays and the school concert
but never about how you're coping.

So what will I say?

I will say, "I'm here. I care. Anytime. Anywhere."
I will talk about your loved one.
We'll laugh about the good memories.
I won't mind how long you grieve.
I won't tell you to pull yourself together.
No, I don't know how you feel - but with sharing,
perhaps I will learn a little of what you are going through.

And perhaps you'll feel comfortable with me
and find your burden has eased. Try me.

1 comment:

  1. This is a beautiful poem.

    And you make some important points.

    I'm always surprised and saddened by how crass some people are in their comments.