Thursday, January 29, 2015

Son's short life inspires mum's career change

It was through losing Andrew and writing about his life that propelled me to a writing career.


Son's short life inspires mum's career change

Last updated 14:30 29/01/2015


The death of Debi Piper's two-year-old son Eli inspired her to quit her job as an accountant and train as a St John paramedic.
The death of Debi Piper's son left her needing to find a purpose so she turned to the people she relied on heavily during his life, St John.
The Pukekohe accountant's son Eli was born in 2011 with a rare chromosome abnormality - resulting in chronic lung disease, seizures and the need for constant care and supervision.
His condition meant they became regular users of St John ambulances, using the service at least once a month.
"He was globally delayed so he had lots of physical and mental problems," Piper said.
"During his journey, I was used to him being on oxygen, dealing with lots of seizures and dealing with feeding tubes.
"He was born with a really severe genetic condition so right from the start we did not expect him to live but he fought really hard."
After battling for two years, Eli died in 2013.
Piper admitted she had a tough time dealing with the death of the youngest of her four children.
"I was angry at the world; I was angry at God; I was angry that this little boy, who I had prayed to live, had died," she said.
Her life had been turned upside-down, her priorities changed and suddenly she realised that she could not go back to working as an accountant. She needed to give her life a new purpose.
"It just dawned on me one day that I could do for someone else what St John did for me," she said.
"Money was not a factor to me, I needed that purpose. I have all these skills that I have learnt with my boy and know I can put them to good use and become a paramedic."
Seven months ago, she enrolled at AUT University for a Bachelor of Health and Science with Para-medicine, started volunteering for Franklin St John and began her training as a St John first responder.
"I needed that change in my life now. I needed to find that purpose and volunteering was a good way of easing into it and not having that too long idle."
She said she enjoyed working with the other ambulance staff.
"They are being really really good with me and they know what I can and can't do, they throw me in when they know I can cope and they take over if they know I can't," she said.
"It is exciting to see the difference they make and exactly what they do."
She has already found her experiences with Eli have helped her when talking with the family members of those in need.
"I know what it is like - I know the relief that help is there but I also know the anxiety that help is needed and the uncertainty of what exactly is going to happen - and being able to see it from both sides is eye-opening."
Carrying out the roles of mother, volunteer and student has meant she has had to be extra organised.
"It is challenging and I rely on some pretty amazing friends a lot before and after school," she said.
But perhaps the biggest challenge for Piper was readjusting life as a student after more than 20 years out of the classroom.
"When I left high school in 1993, I do not even think we used the internet," she said.
"I did not understand about research techniques or even how to put an essay together so I was having to take extra curricular classes on top of my core classes just to learn how to be a student."
No matter how hard she finds her classes over the next three years, the memory of Eli will provide her with all the inspiration she needs to achieve her goal.
- Franklin County News

Sunday, January 25, 2015

6-things-never-say-bereaved-parent/ Angela Miller

I wrote something similar in my book.

6 Things to Never Say to a Bereaved Parent

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If you’re a bereaved parent, you can probably count on at least five hands the number of phrases you wish people would never, ever say to you.  If only there was a way for the world to learn how to speak compassionately to the brokenhearted.  What many people believe is a comforting statement, most often is not.  It usually feels more like a slap in the face or a swift punch in the gut.  Or like an uncontrollable need to vomit.  Or all three at once.  There seems to be a large gap between intention and what’s actually being communicated to those of us who are hurting.

6 Things to Never Say to a Bereaved Parent:

1)  Time heals all wounds.  
Last I checked in my journey of trekking through the unimaginable, time hasn’t been working any overtime hours “healing” me.  And even if on some far away planet time does heal all wounds, it doesn’t make it helpful or comforting to hear when suffering in a ditch.  Alone.  Without much hope or a rope.
Time can help soften and change some of the sharpness of grief, but time alone doesn’t heal.  Time + focused intention can create a current in the direction of healing, but triple underline this:  Not all wounds heal, no matter how much time passes.  Not every wound turns into a scar.  Not all suffering ends in this lifetime.  Yes, in time it might scab over, but the slightest bump or scratch can make it start to bleed all over again.  Ask any bereaved parent– he or she will tell you– child loss is a wound that won’t ever completely heal.  No matter how much time or good intention, living a life without one (or more) of your children is a wound that forever bleeds.  No matter how many band-aids cover it over time.
Try instead:  What would feel healing/helpful to you right now? ~ Is there any way I can help carry your burden? ~ What do you need most today? ~ I am with you.  Always.
2)  Let go… Move on.  You’d feel better if you let go/move on… You’re hanging onto him too much, that’s why you’re so sad…  If you’d just let go you could start living again…
Anything that implies “get over it” will only add more unnecessary pain and hurt to a bereaved parents’ already gaping, oozing wounds.  What on earth is left for grieving parents to “let go of” when they’ve already lost the most precious treasure of their entire life to death?  We’ve already been forced to let go of someone who we would’ve given our own life to keep.  The only thing we have left to hold onto is our child’s memory and our abiding love for him or her.  And in doing so we courageously move forward, but never do we move on.  Moving on implies not taking our child with us throughout the rest of our lives.  When someone tells me I need to “move on/let go”, I tell them to move on from my life because I will proudly carry my son with me everywhere I go.  If people have a problem with it, I have no problem letting them go.
Try instead:  Hold on to me.  I’ll walk with you every step of the way. ~ No matter how painful, I’ll be with you every breath you take apart from your child. ~ Tell me about your beautiful child.  What was he like?  What do you miss the most?
3)  Have faith.  If you’d just have faith, this wouldn’t hurt so badly…  If you had a strong faith like I do, you wouldn’t still be grieving like this…  If you’d just trust God you wouldn’t be suffering so much…
Guess what?  Grief is not indicative of a lack of faith.  Ever.  So stop playing the faith card in an attempt to comfort someone who is suffering the worst human pain IMAGINABLE.  Having faith doesn’t make the fact that our child was robbed from us far before her time any easier or more bearable.  And it certainly doesn’t make it hurt any less, or make us feel more supported.  All it does is make it more probable that someone might feel like punching you in the face.  Furthermore, it shames a bereaved parent into thinking– Wow, if only I had more faith I wouldn’t hurt so much.  What am I doing wrong?– which I hope is the exact opposite message you’re intending to send.  Bereaved parents already feel isolated and alone in a world that predominately doesn’t understand child loss, and judging a grieving person’s level of faith by their depth of grief is not only ludicrous, it’s downright cruel.  Just don’t.
Try instead:  I love you. ~ What is it like to keep living without your child?
4).  Everything happens for a reason.  
No.  It doesn’t.  Sometimes the most horrible, cruel, unimaginably awful things happen to the best, most amazing, incredibly loving people on the planet.  And guess what?  Sometimes life just plain doesn’t make sense.  Sometimes things happen for no logical reason at all.  Saying “everything happens for a reason” is possibly the fastest way to make a grieving parents’ blood boil.  There is no reason good enough in all of heaven and earth that my son is buried underground while my feet continue to walk the earth.
I get that most people say this in an attempt to make sense of what is senseless, but instead let’s just state what is true:  It makes no *bleepin’* sense at all.  Children should never, ever die before their parents.  We all want the world to feel safe and predictable, and the word childloss is the quickest way to shake the foundation of those closest to us.  The thought of it is downright terrifying.  It pops even the most carefully crafted safety bubbles.
The truth is, witnessing the suffering of others might crack you open– possibly wide open.  Let it.  It’s supposed to.  It’s in the cracking that our hearts can offer empathy and true support instead of false platitudes, unwelcome advice or a severed relationship that offers no comfort to your hurting loved one.
Try instead:  I’m so sorry.  It’s just not fair. ~ There’s no good reason this happened.  You don’t deserve this pain.  I wish I could take it away from you. ~ It breaks my heart to see you suffering. ~ This is complete bullshit.  I’m so sorry.
5).  At Least.  
Any sentence starting with at least should never be spoken to a bereaved parent.  Never.  Ever.  “At least she didn’t suffer…  At least he died young… (??!!!) …  At least you can have more children…  At least you got as long as you did with her…  At least it was quick and painless… At least you were blessed to have him at all.”  There is no at least in childloss.  None.  If you want to support your loved one in the best way possible, keep “at least” out of your conversations with her.
Try instead:  I miss him too.  I wish he was here with us. ~ What’s your favorite memory of her? ~ What helps you feel closest to him when you miss him the most?
6).  Be thankful.  Be thankful you can have more children (newsflash:  not everyone can!) … Be thankful for your living children… Be thankful you had her at all.
Telling someone who has lost more than you can ever imagine to be thankful, is like slapping her in the face instead of hugging her.  Seriously.  Don’t do it.  You better believe any bereaved parent in the world could school you in the art of being thankful.  There’s no need to lecture us on the topic.  We’re thankful more than thankful has ever been thanked.  We’re grateful for each precious moment we were blessed to have our child, and this gratitude for every single blessed moment is what keeps our heart beating.  And if we do have other living children you better believe we’re thankful to the nth degree for the children we still have, but that doesn’t take away the lifelong pain of living without one (or more) of our precious children.
Try instead:  I’m thankful for you. ~ I’m thankful for your child. ~ I’m thankful for our friendship. ~ I’m thankful to witness your courage and bravery and strength.  
Last week I read a quote that sums up this one quite nicely:  “Before you tell a grieving parent to be grateful for the children they have, think about which one of yours you could live without.”
Enough said.
Photo credit:  Angela Miller
Interested in more of Angela’s writing? Order your copy of her recently published book,
You Are the Mother of All Mothers here.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

write-up in German

Ann Kit Suet Chin-Chan

Ann Kit Suet Chin-Chan ist eine malaysische Schriftsteller, die in geboren wurde Sibu .
Sie schrieb die folgenden Bücher:


Tagebuch eines trauernde Mutter, auf Wiedersehen mein Baby 丧 儿 记: 丧失 儿子 的 母亲 的 一 本 传记
Ein Hinter Mama schreibt Kolleginnen trauernden Eltern und andere zu trösten, um ein Verständnis für diejenigen, die Verluste erlitten haben, zu geben. Genre Selbsthilfe, Trauer, Tod und Sterben, Tod des Kindes, das Überleben
Von China bis Borneo Beyond 海外 华人 的 中国 魂: 从 中国, 到 南洋, 到 更远 Dies ist eine Zeitschrift von zwei Familien, die Chans und der Kongs. Er verfolgt den ersten Satz im Jahr 1907 von Kwang Zhou, China in den Dschungel von Borneo. Genre Geschichte ISBN: 978-0-473-23900-8
Mail Order Bride Buch 邮购 新娘 Dieses Buch ist die Verkörperung der dunklen Seite der heutigen Gesellschaft. Auckland Stadt ist wegen ihrer kosmopolitischen Features, sowie die Präsenz von Einwanderern, neue und alte entschieden. Es gibt Bräute aus der ganzen Welt. ISBN: 978-0-473-25414-8,_Sibu* Alumni 1967-1973
Forever In My Heart Ausstellung, die an der Pfau-Kunst-Galerie, Upton Country Park ist vom 31. Januar bis 4. Februar 2013.
Judy Lancaster-Bowen Es ist OK zu weinen

Externe Links

Keywords: Ann Kit Suet Chin-Chan

Kit Chan Suet Ann Chin is a Malaysian writer who was born in Sibu.

She wrote the following books :

    Diary of a bereaved mother: Good bye my baby - Published 2011 in New Zealand
    From China to Borneo to Beyond - Released in 2013 New Zealand
    Mail Order Bride - Released in 2013 New Zealand


Diary of a bereaved mother , goodbye my baby丧 儿 记:丧失 儿子 的 母亲 的 一 本 传记

A background Mama writes fellow bereaved parents and others to comfort , to give an understanding of those who have suffered loss . Self-help genre , grief , death and dying, death of the child survival

From China to Borneo Beyond海外 华人 的 中国 魂:从 中国,到 南洋,到 更远This is a journal of two families , the Chans and the Kongs . He follows the first set in 1907 by Kwang Zhou, China in the jungles of Borneo. Genre History ISBN: 978-0-473-23900-8

Mail Order Bride Guide邮购 新娘This book is the embodiment of the dark side of today's society . Auckland City because of its cosmopolitan features , as well as the presence of immigrants , new and old decided . There are brides from all over the world. ISBN: 978-0-473-25414-8 ,,_Sibu* Alumni 1967-1973 -cikgu - wong -proud /

Forever In My Heart exhibition, which is on the Peacock Art Gallery , Upton Country Park from January 31 to February 4 -2013.

Judy Lancaster Bowen It's OK to cry

external Links

Monday, January 19, 2015

Mother accused of killing son, 5

If she really did this, I don't know what to say.

Mother accused of killing son, 5, with salt

Jim Fitzgerald, Yahoo US January 27, 2015, 10:03 am
A confounding and heartbreaking murder case alleging that a mother purposely poisoned her five-year-old son with salt and documented his decline on social media began Monday in the New York suburbs.
Lacey Spears, 27, of Scottsville, Kentucky, who presented herself online as a supremely devoted mother, is charged with depraved murder and manslaughter in the death a year ago of Garnett-Paul Spears.
"This mother was intentionally feeding her child salt at toxic levels," prosecutor Doreen Lloyd said at Spears' arraignment.

The boy's sodium levels rose to a dangerous point with no medical explanation, prosecutors said, leading to a swollen brain, seizures and death. They believe his single mother, who was sharing his hospital room at Westchester Medical Center, administered salt through a feeding tube into Garnett's stomach.

Lacey Spears with her son Garnett who she has been accused of murdering. Source: Supplied

All the while, she was keeping followers up to date with 28 online postings in the last 11 days of his life, noting his death with, "Garnett the great journeyed onward today at 10:20 a.m." She had tens of thousands of entries over Garnett's lifetime, many about his doctor and hospital visits.
"My Sweet Angel Is In The Hospital For The 23rd Time," Spears tweeted on Nov. 9, 2009, adding a sad-faced emoticon. "Please Pray He Gets To Come Home Soon."
Lacey Spears and her son, Garnett. Source: Supplied

Jury selection began Monday with a pool of 90 potential jurors on hand at the courthouse. Several told the judge they had seen some of the extensive news coverage of the case.
In rulings delivered last week, Lacey Spears' messages on Facebook, Twitter and MySpace were determined relevant and are likely to be introduced as evidence. Some of the posted photos depict Garnett's declining health, said acting state Supreme Court Justice Robert Neary.
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Neary also found that prosecutors can tell jurors about Internet research Spears did on her iPhone into the dangers of sodium in children and the properties of iodized salt.
In addition, the judge said Garnett's hospital records from Alabama, Florida and New York are relevant and "inextricably interwoven into the fabric of this case. They provide a history of the child's medical issues and treatment leading up to his death. They illustrate the defendant's role as custodian and care giver."
Prosecutors believe Spears often lied to doctors about Garnett's health, for example claiming he had celiac disease when he didn't.
Spears' lawyers have not publicly detailed a defence strategy and did not return calls seeking comment. Attorney Stephen Riebling said in July that the defence would focus "on the relevant facts, not fiction."
Garnett in a photo from his mother's blog. Source: Supplied.

Spears, originally from Decatur, Alabama, was living in Chestnut Ridge, New York, at the time of Garnett's death. She moved to Kentucky before her arrest in June and has been jailed since then. A man who says he is Garnett's father lives in Alabama.
Other evidence in the case includes bags used to feed Garnett which prosecutors say have "extraordinary" concentrations of sodium. The prosecution says Spears tried to cover up by asking a friend to take a feeding bag, "get rid of it and don't tell anybody."
The trial apparently will not include any reference to Munchausen by proxy, a disorder in which caretakers purposely but secretly harm children and then enjoy the attention and sympathy they receive. Some experts regard it as a mental illness and a defence to such crimes, while others consider it a motive. Several believe Spears' case fits the syndrome.
Spears' lawyers asked the judge to prohibit any mention of Munchausen and prosecutors said they had no plans to bring it up.
The murder charge alleges Garnett was killed "under circumstances evincing a depraved indifference to human life" rather than with intent. It carries the same maximum sentence as intentional murder, however — 25 years to life. The manslaughter count alleges Spears killed her son "while intending to cause serious physical injury."

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

A bereaved husband

alone after a death

When Mother died at 60 unexpectedly, Father said he thought of her everyday. Some aunties suggested he remarried, but he said no.

He died exactly 18 years later on the same month and same day as mum did.

Losing a loved one — whether through unexpected or anticipated circumstances — is always traumatic. This is especially true with the death of a spouse. It is one of life's most profound losses. The transition from wife to widow, husband to widower, is a very real, painful, and personal phenomenon. The trauma of trying to adjust to this new identity while being besieged with a multitude of urgent questions and decisions can be overwhelming

Here are several things to remember when faced with the death of your spouse. While they may seem simple, they are very important points to remember:

Give yourself permission to mourn:
Men and women both need to give themselves permission to mourn. Postponing a confrontation with your feelings by filling each day with frantic activity will only delay and compound the grief reaction. Denying your grief can be helpful in separating yourself from the pain. But, the agony is still there and it will stay there until you acknowledge it.

Be aware that you may experience a range of emotions:

Your reactions to death may cover a wide and confusing range of emotions (such as shock, numbness, anger, pain, and yearning). It may help to think of grief as clusters of reactions or fluid phases that overlap one another. Grief does not proceed in an orderly fashion any more than life itself does.

With effort, you can and you must overcome your grief:

One of the myths about mourning is that it has an ending point, that if you just wait long enough, it suddenly stops hurting. It doesn't. It requires work. More than time, bereavement takes effort to heal. Mourning is a natural and personal process that only you can pace. It cannot be rushed and it cannot happen without your participation.

When needed, find the strength to take action:

As a newly widowed person, there may be urgent financial and legal decisions you must make following the death of your spouse. You have just suffered an emotionally devastating event and the last thing you want to deal with is money matters. But money does matter, now and for your future, so try to do the best you can. Postpone, however, any decisions that can be put off until you feel better emotionally.

Work to tame your fears:

When the first impact of death wears off, you may feel you are losing control. This is a normal part of the grieving process. Unlike mental illness, the strong feelings suffered during grief gradually and permanently disappear. Because you may experience a feeling of temporary instability, it's important to remember that you have the ability to cope. This is a time when much of your adjustment to widowhood takes place.

In your own time, in your own way, you can say good-bye:

The present, with all its pain and sorrow, is the only reality you have. Memories are very important, but they cannot be used as a shield against the present. At some point in your grieving, you will be ready to try to say good-bye.

Stress can wreak havoc on your health:

The effect of grief on our health is just beginning to be measured. While guarding your health can be among the least of your concerns during the throes of grief, you must work toward maintaining your health as soon as you feel able. This means beginning some form of regular exercise, getting proper nutrition, and reporting physical complaints to your doctor.

If interested, consider employment, continuing education or volunteer opportunities that match your needs and interests:

Entering the job market after a long absence, or for the first time, can be one of the most challenging tasks that widowed persons encounter. If interested, look for ways to enhance, capitalize and build on the skills you've developed over the years. Don't be afraid to ask about employment opportunities whenever and wherever you can. Prepare well for your job search. If you do not need to return to work immediately, you may decide to go back to school or to contact Elderhostel, which offers educational opportunities in the U.S. and abroad. There are also volunteer opportunities that are meaningful and personally fulfilling in your community, which you may want to consider.

Monday, January 5, 2015

UK couple who were told to abort child celebrate his first birthday

Doctors advised Jett Morris' parents they would have to abort him at 20 weeks after his mother's water broke. They ignored the advice and Jett recently celebrated his first birthday. Photo / Facebook
He was born weighing less than a bag of sugar and smaller than his father's hand.
But Jett Morris' parents were simply relieved he was alive, having been told he would never survive and they should abort him.
When his mother Mhairi's waters broke at just 20 weeks, doctors advised the pregnancy was "non-viable" - and prepared her for a termination.
But she and husband Paul defied doctors' advice and believe had it not been for their determination, Jett - who is thriving and recently celebrated his first birthday - would not be here today.
Jett was born prematurely at 25 weeks weighing just 1.4lbs (635g) - having survived for five weeks in the womb after his mother's waters broke.
But his parents say that before this, they were constantly pressured by medics at East Surrey Hospital to end the pregnancy.
They claim staff gave them just five minutes to come to terms with a termination.
However Mrs Morris refused - convinced her unborn baby was healthy - and five weeks later he was born.
The 34-year-old said: "They didn't see him as a child yet, they just called him a 'non-viable foetus'. It was cold and I was devastated.
"I was in the early pregnancy unit and no-one from paediatrics came to talk to me about my other options.
"But I'd just had a 20-week scan and everything was perfect and finding out it was a boy made it very hard to accept a termination.
"The doctor said, 'You have to have a termination because there's nothing we can do'."
She added: "I understand doctors have to tell you the worst case scenario and be blunt, but no two people on this Earth are exactly the same and doctors didn't even give Jett a chance.
"When he came back in and Paul and I had talked we told him I wouldn't be going into theatre and the doctor looked at his watch and rolled his eyes at me, as if I was wasting time.
"I said to Paul, 'We have to get out of here'."
Mrs Morris suffered pre-term premature rupture of membranes - where the waters break before the pregnancy reaches full term.
She was later diagnosed with placenta praevia - where the placenta forms underneath the baby and can cause bleeding and infection.
She was told she was likely to go into labour within 48 hours and the baby would die.
But days later she still hadn't given birth and was allowed to go home to Crawley, West Sussex.
Twelve days later she started bleeding and was rushed to hospital.
But with the local trust only equipped to deal with children born after 28 weeks, the couple had to travel 80 miles to a hospital in Portsmouth.
Doctors there warned their son could be brain damaged and would probably die at birth because his lungs would not be developed.
However Jett defied the odds and came out kicking and wriggling on December 6, 2013 - and even let out a small "squeak" before being rushed to an incubator.
He suffered with chronic lung disease and jaundice - which he quickly recovered from after his lungs and organs developed.
He was finally allowed home on March 5 - almost three weeks before his original due date of March 24.
Though Jett has two small holes in his heart it is not thought they will ever cause a problem for him and and he was taken off an oxygen machine in May.
Mrs Morris, who runs a children's boutique with her 36-year-old husband, added: "We have a happy outcome but I worry that other mothers could have had an abortion when their babies might have survived.
"I was given such a bleak outlook that I kept thinking 'he's not supposed to be healthy' and was waiting for something to happen, but it never did."

Jett's mother Mhairi Morris cuddles her son in hospital. Photo / Facebook
She claims she was forced to Google her options rather than being given any by medics - and now hopes her story will be seen by other pregnant women doing the same thing.
Surrey and Sussex Healthcare NHS Trust's chief executive, Michael Wilson, said staff were working with Mrs Morris to resolve her concerns about her treatment.
He said: "From June 2013, while Mhairi was with us, it's our opinion that she received high quality clinical care and was provided with information about the range of options available to her in her circumstances, as well as having these options discussed in detail.
"The team who cared for her pulled out all stops to keep both her and her child safe throughout her high-risk pregnancy and following this, we transferred her to a more specialist hospital so that she received the best possible care for her condition.
"We are delighted that over a year on, both mother and son are healthy and well. As a Trust, we strive to learn from all the feedback we receive from our patients to continually improve our service.
"We have only very recently learned of her concerns as no complaints were raised earlier - had they been, we would have been in touch with her directly and looked into what had taken place.
"We are now working closely with her and her family to understand what happened in detail."
By Anna Hodgekiss
Doctors advised Jett Morris' parents they would have to abort him at 20 weeks after his mother's water broke. They ignored the advice and Jett recently celebrated his first birthday. Photo / Facebook

Thursday, January 1, 2015

cloth nappies
Have to borrow this photo,

A fellow bereaved mother wrote that she gave her baby's clothes to the NICU 18 years after her baby was stillborn.

let me share a sweet story. When my baby died in hospital, he never came home. I had 2 dozen cloth nappies. I gave them to my pastor's wife to give it to X. 

21 years later, I wrote my book, and was invited at a conference to talk about my life and my book. A woman came up to buy my book. She said she got a dozen of my nappies. I was surprised, I thought I had given them to X. No, she said, I had one dozen, and presumably X had one dozen. 

Modern mum may not know what cloth nappies are. Yes, they are big squares of cotton.